FOUR DECADES OF DREAD!!!!

Whoa! Ok, apparently my friends have decided to throw a little party for my birthday (and used a very unflattering photo on the flyer to spread the word). I hear "40 is the new 30", but I still hope you'll join us for this momentous occasion.  I plan to "celebrate" for several months so prepare your liver...  

Saturday June 2, 2012 

9pm 

SLABTOWN

Portland, Oregon

BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE INNSMOUTH

Join me this Sunday evening at The Lovecraft for another night of deep vinyl worship. Expect a strange brew of violent punk, twisted death metal, sleazy weirdo rock, horror soundtracks and vintage flicks on the venue's movie theater sized screen. "CRAWL TO THE CAVE!"

THE LOVECRAFT

Sunday May 13, 2012

421 Southeast Grand Avenue

Portland, Oregon

8pm until late

"...stir the dormant sense of strangeness."

BLACK TWILIGHT CIRCLE

KALI YUGA MOONSTOMP!

Issue #3 of Chips & Beer magazine is slated for release late next week.  This is the New York Street Metal Special and I was kindly asked to write a few words about one of my favorite records of all time.  Here's a peek...      

Kali Yuga Moonstomp: 

The Metaphysics of the Cro Mags 

Great records- eternal records, the kind we march boldly to our graves humming like boy scouts- always transcend boundaries and provincial genre limitations to become perfect lightning rods of emotion for the listener. For a brief period during Mayor Ed Koch's administration a few unlikely New York City hooligans came together to create a masterpiece of transcendental violence that continues to defy categorization and refuses to be tamed, sold-out or softened even as the world slouches ever closer to its cold grey conclusion (or maybe that's just me). As a teenager in 1986 Age of Quarrel was sacred scripture. It was the kind of record that improved my posture and emboldened me to see the world a bit more clearly. The doors of perception were permanently booted down by this 28 minute skinhead tirade and to this day I experience a golden rush of adrenalin as soon as the needle hits the wax and Mackie's drum sticks count off the crunching introduction of 'We Gotta Know'. Is it hardcore? The hardest! But keep in mind, this was hardcore before "hardcore" was represented by johnny-come-lately assholes acting like ninja turtles in the pit (I don't remember anyone doing an even remotely athletic martial art move on the dance floor back in the late 80's- not even those weird Hare Krishna skins- but I saw more than a few ice picks, smileys and bleeding faces). Is it metal? The 'Mags literally put the "street" in street metal and were clearly as influenced by Black Sabbath and Motorhead as they were The Damned and Cockney Rejects. So is it crossover? Well, it certainly brought longhairs, skins and punks together...though not necessarily in unity and certainly not peacefully. If your idea of crossover is sharks and toxic waste you're in for a most unpleasant surprise because this is the Kali Yuga and world peace just can't exist... 

AVAILABLE SOON FROM 20 BUCK SPIN!

Positive Mental Attitude

Look, life is hard.  Things don't always go our way.  Today I have two very simple techniques to improve one's P.M.A. that don't involve diving into a downward spiral of religion, booze, pills or questionable powders (all of which, let's face it, ultimately lead to more headaches):

1)  Angel Witch Speak:  Trust me.  Everything sounds better when sung with the catchy vocal pattern and positive inflection of Angel Witch's self-referential chorus.  Just try it.  "The rent was due last week!  The rent was due last week!"  "The car broke down again!  The car broke down again!" "I'm on-call this week!  I'm on-call this week!"  "The border patrol is entering the bus!  The border patrol..."  You get the point.  Everything is suddenly surmountable and a-ok.

2)  Chromium Dioxide In Bed:  Canada's Chromium Dioxide is metal edutainment of the highest order.  Your atrophied stalk-like computer arms will resist the effort of holding the pages of a print magazine at first but with repetition your reading posture will improve.  You will learn new stuff, be reminded of old stuff you forgot and snort out loud in the process.  Can't ask for much more than that.  Apparently most people read this on the can but I prefer a cozy nook and lots of pillows.  Stay in bed until 1pm on a Saturday and read this fucker cover to cover (your Facebook arms will probably need a rest at some point so take a power nap and resume when ready).  Follow with some Morbus Chron and I promise you'll be feeling better in no time.  Now do the dishes.

You're welcome.  

GROSS ANATOMY (part 16)

Y'know, there's a lot of talk these days about hate. Hate is cool. It's big business. So called "extreme metal" fans revel in feelings of self-loathing and impotent rage. They say things like, "This ain't the Summer of Love, bro" or "I hate _____ (insert religion/band/ex-girlfriend/movie/book/vegetable/hygienic accessory/etc.)." Blah, blah, blah.  Not me. I just dimmed the lights and lit my Sexual Inspiration™ candle. The sheets are silky soft. My blog is almost touching you. That's right, lover...it's Gross Anatomy time! But even love is not entirely without its frowns.  Unfortunately, according to the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology, about 50% of all first marriages will end in divorce and most will end in about eight years. The odds get worse for second and third marriages which, according to a casual google search five minutes ago, hover around 67% and 74% respectively. Why am I so concerned about love,  marriage and divorce today?  Because it's May Day- a time to celebrate spring fertility and the promise of new beginnings- so today we take a look at a wedding invitation I designed recently for my old friend Kevin and his lovely fiance Amy. This is a private commission but the happy couple have graciously permitted me to post their invite here for your enjoyment, dear reader.  I'm pretty sure they're in good shape in the face of all these dour marriage statistics because Amy has already put up with Kevin's necro-shenanigans for quite some time and she knows exactly what she's getting herself into by tying the knot with a cursed weredude (note to Amy: even a man who is pure in heart and says his prayers at night will stagedive onto his cellphone when the Wolfbane blooms and have new scars by the time the autumn moon is bright).  Anyway, this was a fun drawing so let's take a look...

My only "artistic direction" was this goat adorned incense burner which they loaned me for inspiration.  There are some funny stories about how this poor thing was misplaced several times before finally making it to my home due to celebratory drinking headbanging binges but I'll spare everyone those details.

I started with these god awful scribbles as usual to work out the basic composition for a border that would not grossly offend everyone's grandmother and great aunt on the big day.  I considered the idea of using bind runes to underpin the symmetry but ultimately decided to simply include the phonetic interpretation of their names in runes.

Incidentally, you ever have one of these days?

Ahem. Back to the task at hand.  Pretty soon I had this penciled and ready for ink.

A few more hours and the border was ready!

Amy picked this nice font that accentuates the curly composition without being too overwhelming on the eye.  My daughter immediately suggested that they print the invites on gold paper.  Good call!

They turned out looking really nice and I'm pleased to hear that both families approve.  In fact Amy's dad is rumored to have commented, "Very occult."  That guy might have a future writing press kits for Unseen Forces.  In all seriousness, I wish the soon-to-be-newly weds all the best.  Congratulations, Kevin and Amy!

Until next time...Happy May Day!  
"Chop! Chop! Chop! Chop!"