Look, life is hard. Things don't always go our way. Today I have two very simple techniques to improve one's P.M.A. that don't involve diving into a downward spiral of religion, booze, pills or questionable powders (all of which, let's face it, ultimately lead to more headaches):
1) Angel Witch Speak: Trust me. Everything sounds better when sung with the catchy vocal pattern and positive inflection of Angel Witch's self-referential chorus. Just try it. "The rent was due last week! The rent was due last week!" "The car broke down again! The car broke down again!" "I'm on-call this week! I'm on-call this week!" "The border patrol is entering the bus! The border patrol..." You get the point. Everything is suddenly surmountable and a-ok.
2) Chromium Dioxide In Bed: Canada's Chromium Dioxide is metal edutainment of the highest order. Your atrophied stalk-like computer arms will resist the effort of holding the pages of a print magazine at first but with repetition your reading posture will improve. You will learn new stuff, be reminded of old stuff you forgot and snort out loud in the process. Can't ask for much more than that. Apparently most people read this on the can but I prefer a cozy nook and lots of pillows. Stay in bed until 1pm on a Saturday and read this fucker cover to cover (your Facebook arms will probably need a rest at some point so take a power nap and resume when ready). Follow with some Morbus Chron and I promise you'll be feeling better in no time. Now do the dishes.